We've been mainly hitting up the countless sport crags. Surrounded by perfect overhanging red sandstone it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Every climb feels like a struggle to me. The pump in my forearms starts to feel unbearable and the ability to hold on fails. It's been making sending climbs pretty hard. Thus I haven't been as successful as I might have liked. But I'm getting stronger and that's a positive thing. But there's just something missing in me at the moment.
For me this place hasn't exactly been the site of great ambition or intensity. While I've climbed my fair share and done some things that I'm fairly stoked about I haven't really been on top of my game. It seems like I'm a bit in need of something else.
Realizing this lack of interest isn't the easiest thing to do. Esspecially when everyone around you is so stoked on climbing.
Because of this I found myslef taking a day off to do other things and be on my own. Something that I feel I need for some reason... it might have something to do with spending every minute of every day with people... the same people at that.
I took the day off and decided that I'd be productive... I picked up the guitar and started writing. Something I hadn't done in a while. What I came up with was a reflection of how I was feeling that morning.
All of these things I want to do today,
"There's too little time" I always seem to say.
Thoughts scrambled as they permutate away
Lost in the hours as they decay.
Step up to the plate where ambtion waits,
To test the strength of my character traits.
What is it that my soul anticipates,
A feeling of success that only complicates?
I strive for a feeling of accomplishment.
A token of all the time that I've spent.
A selfish act that makes my mind content.
And in the end gives way to self contempt.
What a problem it is I face,
Too much privelege seems to be the case.
All the essentials of my life are in place
And now I waste my time, what a disgrace.
I think of all I've done recently.
I pollute the earth so complacently,
I do these things I want most wastefully.
All I seek is to do so decently.
We all want to do something meaningful,
Fill our glass so it ain't half full.
Make a change that might be helpful.
Quit doing the same as I feel so resentful.
It's all a matter of the heart.
To feel content is such an art.
We've all got to do something before we part.
I wrote a song, I guess that's a start.
I completed the day by shooting a number of rolls of film off in the desert, reading my book, writing in my journal and organizing my thoughts on the trip. While I may not have sent any climbs... that day was one of the most productive in a long time. I felt good and had a chance to just chill. Completely.
The constant feeling that what I am doing is so totally hypocritical of what I feel is the appropriate way to travel or to use our resources has led to some interesting thought and conversation among many like minded individuals. It's not necessarily making the trip feel negative... but it's giving me some more insight into how I will do things differently in the future. My reliance on money that I've saved and the tools that we've bought and brought along makes me feel like I could do things in a way that might remove this feeling of hypocracy.
While this might sound like a downer it's a pretty powerful thing to me. I'm still gonna rock it... and make the most out of the experience. It's one of those things that makes me feel like I'm figuring shit out... and I'm stoked on that.
Well, from here we head down to El Paso Texas. We'll climb at Hueco Tanks and suss out the situation in Mexico to see whether or not it's safe to head into central america.
Much love,
Thomas Sloss
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